Realtor Speak


You have all read the public remarks on Real Estate Listings that sometimes belies the real truth of the properties.  Here are some examples of just a few:

Charming - Tiny.  Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place.  See also "Cute", "Enchanting", and "Good Starter Home".

Much Potential - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates did have nice personalities.  See also "Ready to Rehab", and "Fixer Upper".

Unique City Home - Used to be a warehouse.

Daring Design - Still a warehouse.

Hi-Tech/Contemporary - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your Dad used to store tools on in the basement.

Contemporary Feeling - House has no woodwork, needs cleaning.  See also "Old World Charm".

Completely Updated - Avocado Dishwasher and Harvest Gold carpeting or vice versa.

Sophisticated - Black Walls and no windows.  See also "Architect's Delight".

Architect Designed - As a homework project in House Design 101.

One-of-a-Kind - Ugly as sin.

One of a Kind - After this one, they decided that it wasn't such a good idea after all.

Brilliant Concept - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome?  See also "Makes Dramatic Statement".

Breathtaking View - Can see and smell, rubbish dump from Living Room.

Artistically Decorated - Full of stuff you can't use.

Brand New Development - Live with construction dust for a couple more years.

Close to Beach - Impossible to park from November to December.

Close to Health Centers - Wake up every now and then from the ambulance sirens.

Close to Nature - Property has no services.

Close to School - The lunch break din is deafening.

Convenient - Property has no services.

Motivated Seller - Property has been on the market for the past 5 years.

Cozy - No room larger than 9 ft. x 6 ft.

Move in Condition - Front door missing from property.

Needs TLC - House has major  structural damage.

Lots of Parking - Lazy homeowner paved over front lawn.

For the Gardening Enthusiast - Grounds like a jungle.

Established Garden - Weeds are well rooted.

Lots of Storage - Garage too small for car - store your boxes of crud here.

Compact - Tiny house.

Convenient - Property located next to highway on-ramp.

Deceptive Appearance - House looks terrible.

Delightful Rural Location - Property in flight path of a major airport.

Easily Maintained - Requires at least two gardeners and a live-in maid.

Family Home - Ugly, impractical and it has 3 more bedrooms than any other house in the neighborhood, so we hope the Waltons read this.

Farmhouse Charm - House with uneven floors.

Friendly Neighborhood - Neighbors tend to peep over the boundary fence.

House with Personality - Haunted House.

Indigenous Plants - Haven't got around to gardening yet.

Landscaped - Grass grew over mound of old building sand.

Local Entertainment Conveniently  Close - Sex-workers hang around on the corner.

Market Ready - Owner feels he's covered everything up.

Mint - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.

Much Sought After - Property has been on the market at least twice before, and although we got them to buy, no one wants to keep it.

Spacious - Average.

Charming - Small.

Comfortable - Very Small.

Cozy - Very, very small.

Low Maintenance - No lawn.

Walk to Stores - Nowhere to park your car.

Prestigious - Expensive.

Bright and Sunny - Venetion blinds and curtains not included.

Townhouse - Former Tenement.

Extensively Updated - House ot electricity last year.

Modern - 30 to 40 years old.

Contemporary - At least 15 years old.

Sprawling Ranch - Inefficient floor plan.

Natural Setting - Forget about planting, the deer will eat everything.

Secluded Setting - Far away.

Executive Neighborhood - High taxes.

Near Houses of Worship - Fanatical denomination next door.

Park-like Setting - A tree on the block.

Unaffected Charm - Needs painting.

Starter Home - Run Down.

Hurry! Won't Last - About to collapse.

And Much, Much More - Nothing else comes to mind.

Neutral Decor - Property has no murals of nudes and no animal parts permanently attached, but has turquoise walls.

North Facing - Couldn't find anything special about this property.

Offers Accepted - Owner knows his price is too high.

Outstanding - House painted yellow and purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.

Owner Eager to Sell - If the house goes within a week, the spackling will still be covering the cracks.

Peaceful Town - One-horse town.

Period Residence -House built in the last two years.

Quiet, Secluded Setting - On site of proposed informal settlement.

Rare Opportunity to Buy - No one else wants this property.

Renovated - Patent defects nicely covered up.

Retirement Home - You need to have saved for a very long time to buy here.

Room to Extend - Owner knows the house is too small.

Rural Cottage - House too small for agricultural tenants.

Water-view - If you stand on a bar stool in the spare bedroom.

Secluded - See Close to Nature.

Security System - Neighbor has a dog.

Secure Location - Head of organized crime syndicate lives next door.

Select Neighborhood - House beside sewage works.

Sophisticated City Living - House next to a noisy bar.

Striking Facades - House is so ugly, you can't stop staring.

Student House - Normal people wouldn't live here.

Swimming Pool - Owners demolished the windpump at last.

Tastefully Decorated - Kids had food-fight a number of years ago, and it proved too difficult to clean.

Unspoiled - Planning permission granted for development of the field next door.

Unusual Features - No roof.

Unusual Location - House in path of a planned roundabout.

Unusual Kitchen - Sink no longer overflows.

Unusual Kitchen - Laid new linoleum.

Useful Outbuildings - No inside toilet.

Walking Distance from Beach - You will be parked in every holiday.

Water Features - Geyser bursts each winter.

Wealth of Period Features - Outside plumbing, dry rot, rising damp and electrical circuitry best operated in rubber gloves and boots.

Weather Cracks - Wind howls through house in winter.

Weekend Country Getaway - No one can stay here for longer than a weekend at a time.

Well Situated - In Full view of neighbors in the flats next door.

Wide Open Floor Plan - Previous owner removed all supporting walls.

Within Easy Distance of Local Amenities - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop.